As a student my brain is set on a different mode than the rest of the world. My year does not start in January. In fact, the hopelessly romantic butterflies in the stomach feelings of a new beginning occur for me in mid-August when the school year begins. As I am rounding the corner to meet the final stretch in my career as a university student, I cannot help but delight in the anticipation of my second semester, my second new year. Graduation is but a mere couple of months away, so close that I can practically feel the sheath of the gown and the tickling of the tassel on my cheek as it sways from my cap.
Studying at the university level has proven to me to be challenging, but in a way that is satisfying. I see eye to eye with college level learning. The learning that I receive in the classroom is hardly comparable to the learning that I have experienced outside the classroom. The kind of learning that comes from past mistakes and failures. That kind of learning is the kind that really sticks to your insides, and is usually difficult if not impossible to forget. The clinical qualifications of diagnosing an individual with Bipolar Disorder has grown fuzzy in my mind, but the real lessons, like what to do after a disappointment, how to be kind to myself, and what real courage looks like, are vividly present.
On this cloudy morning I lay in bed, writing to you, reader of my thoughts and musings. While I anticipate my time that will be spent today in the lecture halls, I anticipate the adventures, the good and the bad, that I will go through this year. 2012 was a year that threw me a lot of curve balls. A lot. Even though, at times, I was bruised and knocked down from those curve balls, it never stopped me from continuing to go forward. Even if it were just one step, it was a step forward in the right direction.
Tests, papers, projects, notes, and the like are inevitable. My classes will equip me with the knowledge that I need and the requirements that I also need in order to graduate, but they will never suffice for what I will learn. Not merely is this year focused on working hard on classes, it is surrounded by the hopes and the fears that come with after graduation plans. How simple it would be to live continually in the college mindset.
I have big plans for myself come after graduation. I have already had 7 major interviews and have been accepted to an education program. The fact that I do not know where I will be in a couple of months is both exhilarating and frightening at the same time. In the coming weeks I have another job interview, possibly the most scary one and the one that I want the most. As I sit and look over my travel plans, research the city’s subway system, and practice for my interview, I cannot help but note how remarkable my efforts are.
Truth be told, reader, I would have never thought myself capable or qualified for the positions that I am applying for last year (last school year). My sights were set very low, just above the horizon. Was I excited for the menial plans that I laid out for myself? Absolutely not. They seemed tedious and terrible. With whatever changed inside of me, for whatever reasons, my sights are exponentially higher. Looking at the horizon, they are somewhere between the twilight sky and the coming night sky. Very high and very magical.
I always romanticize the first day of classes and practically become giddy with the anticipation of sharpened pencils. To me, that is perfectly all right. To me, that is the way life should be lived, in school or out of school. Romantically, with the anticipation of good things.