Sometimes when it feels like I am not doing anything at all right or when the cretins of the past come to haunt me again, I put my hand on my chest. Underneath the soft layer of warm flesh I feel the sturdiness of my chest bones and feel my heart beating. I know that feeling the lub dub, a sound that is so inconsequential yet so powerful, means that I am doing one thing right. I am alive. My heart is beating.
The heart is an interesting organ.
It is often at the epicenter of love poems, it races because of fear, it brings oxygen to the vital parts of your body, it speeds up when you need it to, it slows down so that you can too, it cries out in pain when you are in pain, it squeezes itself in a hug approximately 75 times each minute. Whether you are on top of the world or if you are feeling like you have been trampled by a herd of evil doers, it beats on bringing life to each breath and continuing your being in this fantastically crazy world.
If the only thing that I do correctly tonight, tomorrow, 5 months and 38 days from now is let my heart beat, that is good.
That is special.
So when things do not go my way, when vicissitudes come, when disappointment knocks on my door and I feel like I possibly cannot do anything else to be a worse person/student/daughter/friend, feeling that thudding in my chest lets me know that there is hope. That this is not where my story ends. My heart beckons to me. It coos, “I am still going, why aren’t you?”.
And then I go too.
I may cry a little before and indulge in a large slice of pie but, I get myself going again. It keeps me going both literally and metaphorically. I thank my dear heart for all that has been bestowed upon me. You, beautiful drumming organ, are my proof that I am a human being, that I am not immune to mistakes, that I have wondrous opportunities to learn from each day, that I am stronger than I thought. You have loved, you have been broken, you have been mended, you have been forgotten, you have been overjoyed, you have been exhausted, you have been exhilarated, you have been with me.
And that means the world to me.