I have been doing some reflection lately on my life and the nuances that accompany it. If I could zoom out, far away, and see my small corner of the world from that view, I truly believe that I would be happy with what I see. From my celestial vantage point I could see myself joyous in learning, loved by so many people, creative in a variety of aspects, surrounded by books, dancing around my room to whatever song has so tickled my fancy that day and I smile. I think that finally I like where I am. I think I actually love me.
I lead a small life that has great potential and is unbelievably meaningful.
So many years have gone by with my not wanting to love the person that I am or trying to fit my inner soul into a mold that was not fit for me. Learning who I am has come with some very difficult life lessons. I have lost the trust of the one I loved and have lost some very close friends. The relationships that I had once had kept me from exploring me. The other person in our dyad never really did like me for me. I even dated a guy who did not approve of the way that I made tea, let alone the majority of the things that I did.
The heartache that I have experienced was my first crash and burn.
I plummeted to the earth in a fiery ball and did not believe that I would ever recover. But I did. From the ashes came this person writing this very note. Instead of being coarse or jaded and letting the scars and scabs that I bare affect me, I absorbed the pain. If there is to be suffering in this world then I volunteer myself to be the one to handle this suffering. To my good friend and to my former boyfriend, I was the one to suffer and am glad that I did. I would never wish the pain that I endured on either of you ever. No matter what.
This way, I am set free.
It sounds counterintuitive, I know. How can one undergo pain, heartache, and personal destruction and relish in the levity of it all?
By knowing that you are the one who is strong enough to handle the desperation, the tears, the loneliness, the depression, and the broken heart. By repeating to yourself in your head on a daily basis “this too, dearie, shall pass”. By exuding kindness to all. By loving yourself.
I have crashed, burned, and been reborn.
I am a phoenix.
I always will be.