Today I had every intention of running away. I had bus schedules and maps printed out and was pig-headedly set on leaving campus and everything that I associate with it. The more that I struggled to run away, the more walls I ran into . I felt so trapped. Stranded, sans car or hope, I disdainfully gave in to the universe and abandoned my plans. It was highly upsetting.
After receiving the notice that I did not receive the teaching position that I have been dreaming of, I have had some sense of trepidation in my other endeavors. What if this is a sign of things to come? What if I do not receive any offers? What if I am not accepted into graduate school? There are so many what ifs that I feel like I am being buried alive. I am neck-deep in these demonic questions, craning my head to gather the last bits of air that I can reach.
Running away would not solve any of my problems, this I know to be true. Still, the option was incredibly alluring. To break free and escape as an actual person and not as a struggling student was very appetitive. My problems, my stressors, my defeats, and the like would be waiting for me whenever I returned. I just wanted some sort of escape. I almost got it and did my best with what I had.
Tomorrow brings a new day.
I am trying to readjust my sails so that these turbulent winds no longer rock my boat, but propel me into the waters that I am destined to be in.