I Put Myself in the Corner

Today was a success! Mainly because I did not get peanut butter on my interview clothes. Hurrah!

I am sitting in the corner of my apartment, literally in the corner. I am sitting on the floor wedged between the couch and a wall. Why? Because I am an overgrown two year old who needs a time out. Today was really long and I think I just need a little bit of dear-world-you-need-to-let-me-alone-because-I-have-been-wearing-a-pencil-skirt-and-running-around-since-7:30am-and-pencil-skirts-are-hard-to-walk-in kind of day. Plus, I almost fell asleep whilst I was studying. On a bench. In public. Monday:1. Me:0.

It is time for a little redirection and refreshment before throwing myself into more studying. I do not understand the point about learning about words and sentences. There are so many theories and majiggers about words and sentences. I seriously question who comes up with these things because, in all honesty, it seems like they have a great deal of time on their hands. It seems like human beings have grasped the idea that we can talk. But, hey, that’s just my opinion. Irrelevance of topic:1090997. Me: the same.

Also, and I have been putting off writing about this for a while because… I have no idea. My brain works in mysterious ways. Something can be so close to the forefront of my mind, but when I sit down to write, my brain farts it out and I start writing about John Cusack (which is never a bad topic).

Once upon a time I was in love. What a bad habit, thank goodness I have abandoned it and vowed to stay clean. Whatever. I blame the folly of my youth. Anyways love is a weird thing because it just is. I am just blasting you with amazing insights today, I know. When love ends, that is just coocoo banana crackers terrible. You are melodramatic and take things that remind you of that person, the dumbest things ever, post-it notes, pens, a piece of paper, and throw them into the ocean.

You haven’t? Awkward. Me neither? Ok, I lied. I have. It was awesome.

Well after you stop crying in public which freaks everyone out and stop littering the world’s ocean with random office supplies that you developed unhealthy attachments to, then you move on and be the gorgeous person that you are. I did. It’s a fool-proof plan.

Then you see this someone that you were so stupid to fall in love with. The first time kind of feels like G.I. Joe kicks you in the gut, but then it gets better.  So much better in fact because you start to giggle when you see them because they look like they are constantly constipated and they are taking evening strolls with girls that are 4 feet tall. Short girl: 0. Me: 498798696 (because I am giant).

Now you are up to speed.

Everything is hunky-dory until this person pops up like a creepy pedophile behind you and starts talking to you. You will slowly pull the ear buds out of your ear and wildly look around you to figure out where that voice is coming from and why it sounds so familiar. Then you see their face and you are like “Why is this person so familiar? I wonder? hmm. Oh, wait I know. This is the person that made me develop strange attachments to office supplies that I proceeded to throw into the ocean due to a bad case of the broken heart”. Then your stomach tries to bungee jump out of your bottom.

They ask about your life and talk about the shows that you used to watch. The whole time you keep thinking “Is this a dream? Am I high? How did I get high? Does this mean I get to eat an entire chocolate cake because I’ll develop a bad case of the munchies?”. You are not high. Eat the cake anyways. Also, don’t answer their questions. Clearly they did not want to be a part of your life in the happy office supply love part, so why now without the office supplies? Firstly, keep calm and answer in one word. You are actually being very nice instead of kicking them in the throat and calling them a bleep bleep bleep with a fat bleep bleep who can put their bleep in their bleep. BLEEP.

When that same person tries to chat it up with you at the lunch counter days later. Do what I have done. Or don’t, it’s your life. Nod. No words. It says “I acknowledge that the surface of the Earth has not cracked and swallowed you up into the depths of hell, but I will not waste my breath on you”. Very effective. And while you bee -bop around gathering food for your lunch and notice this sad, pathetic little person staring at you think to yourself: 1. good job choosing to wear a dress today instead of looking like a hobo 2. this is funny 3. ooh they have grapes today.

If any complications arise, simply call your Mom. She will know what to do. Mine does. I can’t wait to be that cool one day.

Mom: 9090868564535236588

Me: 1 (one point for a great Mom)

And then I lived happily every after.

The End.

Or until that person bugs me again. Maybe they have just become denser without my presence. Or maybe you never realized how dense they were because of the office supplies…


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