This week has been full of life. The nuances of what makes up life are hardly ever wanted or desired. Bad hair days are not on the top of my list of hurrays for the day, neither are discouraged moods. These moments happen. They are inescapable. Nevertheless, they are not overpowering. We are given a choice to embrace the bumps in the road, or let the tiniest bits of gravel belittle our existence.
The other day I saw an ex-boyfriend talking to another girl and while I, metaphorically, pulled the dagger out of my heart, I could not help but reflect upon that whole disaster of a relationship. There is a phenomenon in Psychology in which Olympic athletes who win the silver medal are happier and more fulfilled than those who win the bronze medal. Why? Because they constantly replay the moments in which they were at their weakest; moments that stopped them from reaching the gold. This scenario is analogous to my seeing this ex-boyfriend the other day. The dagger was not thrust into my still wounded heart because I yearned for him in my life again, quite the opposite. I stabbed myself for ever dating someone like him. The regret was so powerful that it stole away some of my joy that evening.
No matter how lonely I get, no matter how discouraged I become, or how hopeless my love life seems, I cannot help but feel the joy of escapement from that relationship, even if the end was not my doing. I have a freedom and a joy that I have not experienced in such a long time. I missed out on my junior year of college because of my unhappiness. The depression that I went through seemed unbearable at times. It hurt to move. Some days I just could not get myself off the couch.
I bring this up, not because I like to wallow in my own self-pity, but because I saw my ex-boyfriend again. Twice in just two days. Life is so unfair. While I sought solace in the campus recreation center, lo and behold, there he was.
Is there a way to make these things just disappear? Or a way to just give me some peace? To let me breathe again?
I am loved beyond measure. By my family and my friends. I have accomplished so much. I thank God for allowing me to do so.
I’m trying to follow Him right now and make myself feel better. I want more than anything to know that I will be alright, that I will be cared for, and that I will be loved. I do not think that I will find any comfort in anything but Him.
I had dinner the other day that was used as a quasi meeting for my site leader position with my co-site leader, who happens to be one of the gentleman of my past. Dinner conversation was slow to start, but ended with genuine laughter. One of the things that this young man said truly resonated with me. In reference to his applying for medical school, he admitted that he was fearful of the future. That the only thing that he wanted was to feel safe. If it was any consolation at all, I looked him dead in the eyes and said, “I understand completely. I am right there with you.”
A wedge that was so crossly placed between us has been made a little more bearable. We are both lost and afraid. That gives me comfort. I pray for him and his medical school applications. He deserves to reach his full potential and his full happiness.
That other guy, however, well, let’s just say that I am disinclined to extend such kind sentiments to him. Ever.
I know that this post is quite a ramble, it is the result of my mother not answering her phone and, therefore, not allowing me to pour my soul out to her as I usually do each and every day.
I am to have dinner with my very good friend Gaby tonight. She was my RA my freshman year and she is just the best person ever. We are once again going to discuss what we are going to do with our lives, this time over burgers. We may not have a clue what our future holds, but by golly do we know quality food!
I was also blessed today to meet with my amazing friend Shelby! We are writing our senior honors thesis together. We are so alike it’s scary. Anyway, the Dean of the Honors College met with us and warned us that because we are working together we were to be wary of my being a loser and her being a slacker. I’ll tell you, to be called a loser by the Dean of the Honors College even in a hypothetical situation was slightly disheartening. After our meeting Shelby and I turned to each other and said “Clearly the Dean has no idea who we are to think that we are a loser, slacker team”. Silly Honors College Dean. We are the best students he has! No food from our cookbook for him. Well, maybe a little. We still want to our honors thesis to be approved…
I am praying for an excellent night tonight. I pray for a lot of laughter, no more running into men who have stood me up/disappointed me/ and disgust me, maybe I’ll get some homework done? (False. It’s Friday). You all see that I tried to get myself to do homework. We have proof that an attempt has been made.
This rambling has been going on for long enough. I feel about 1000 lbs lighter after getting all of this off of my chest. I promise that I will put together a great post tomorrow that is the perfect combination of wit, humor, and sensitivity.