Last night, for whatever reason, my brain decided to go over all of the things that I have done that I am not proud of. I felt an immense sense of guilt and very lowly for remembering the moments in my life that I cannot be proud of. I was reading heavy material for one of my classes and also watched a pretty depressing documentary on media and body image, which did not help things.
It was not long after these gross feelings had swam their way up to the surface of my consciousness did I push aside my school work, turn off my music, and got out of my room. The walls were too close. I took some time to pray. Also, to reflect upon the love that I believe that God has for me. I am still reading my daily passages out of “Jesus Freaks” and I remember one quote saying that God does not ask you to describe to him your transgression, instead he forgives you without any knowledge of him.
No matter what my past holds, I know that I am a better person for it and that it has not impeded me from achieving the most out of life. So many blessings have been thrown at me in just a few days that I am literally overwhelmed by God’s goodness.
In other news, it is but 20 days until I get to see Florence and the Machine in concert with my lovely sister. The other day I was imagining myself at the concert and listening to Florence at one of her concerts and I was so overcome with emotion that I almost started crying. I am a weirdo. But let me tell you,Florence Welch is the greatest artist that we have in our generation and she is such an inspiration. Her music has helped me through some of the worst times in my life, the hardest runs that I have completed, and the hardest mornings to wake up for.
Yesterday was my first day back at tutoring! While I worked from 9am-2pm it seemed like I was there for about an hour. I have a great bunch of students this year and am so thrilled to be able to work with these amazing young minds. In tutoring, they stress how tutoring is not synonymous with teaching and I agree. I am not their teacher. I cannot teach a course;I have far too less knowledge and speaking skills than most professors.
But I do teach. Everyday. I asked each of my student’s what their goal was for this semester, their struggles, and what grade they wanted to get from the course and wrote it down. I explained the importance of setting goals. One of my students said that he wanted to increase his vocabulary stating that he wanted to “be smooth with words”. So I reached over and grabbed his sheet of paper and wrote across the top the word “poignant” and defined it as the ability to be smooth with words. We repeated the word over and over again. He liked the word. He liked the way the word felt when he said it. He truly enjoyed learning.
That moment could have supplemented my pay check and I would never have known the difference. It was beyond fulfilling. I cannot help but think that God has plans for me in education. And maybe, just maybe, I am starting to see those plans as well.
With prayers and high spirits, I welcome the day.